Just Let Them Be (disorder)

The older I get, the more I learn. That's how it should be, right? A lot of times things don't work out the way they should. But what can You do? You just gotta let it be. I don't know how else to handle things. Sometimes I feel I'm better off alone. You just have a higher level of autonomy when you live only for you. Otherwise, people tend to get in your head and influence you in ways that may not be for the best. There's no worries about other peoples feelings. None of that. Its just you, your goals, your dreams, and you can say "to hell" with everything else. I'm learning to just let them all be, man. Just let them be. I cant change nobody. I have no desire to. All I wanna do is live my life the best that I can live it. Ain't apart of no group. I ain't apart of no club. Its just me. I'm not bound by anyones regulations. I just do my own shit. You don't like it, leave me the fuck alone! Got it! Fuck it, I just keep on moving. I've been allowing nonsense to hold me down for far too long. I wanna let go. Just let go. On the count of three, let go. One...two...three. Its gone! I heard Al Pacino say in the movie "The Devils Advocate" that guilt is like a bag of bricks. He asks Kevin Lomax "who you carrying those bricks for...?" I felt like he was talking to me, so I just dropped my bag of bricks. I don't really need shit. I'm my own man. What do I need, outside of the obvious? I'm a renegade. I really don't worry about a thing, because I don't care about that much. Few things in life truly matter. Family, friends, the usual. But I'm so unusual, in so many different ways. I gotta be on my own, but I think I need someone other than myself, but who? Man , you can call me the cat, but I'm no pussy. I'm a man that strikes at opportunity. I'm on the night train, riding through the night with determination. I'm not here for bullshit. I don't have time for that. Just gimme whats mine, and I'm satisfied. You cant even talk to me about certain things, cause right now, I'm just not hearing it. I really cant. Hell, I might pretend, but deep down I don't care. Just can't afford to. When its all said and done, I know where I'll be. Do you? Man, I just don't care. Its bliss, truly bliss. I thought I could live in your world, but I was so wrong. I live against the grain; its starting to get comfortable. My bed is filled with stones and constantina wire, and I sleep soundly. I live in an alternate universe. Complete disorder. As of right now, i'm saying fuck it, and i'm gonna let them be, cause I know it really dosen't matter.

The Holidays

People tend to get sentimental during the Holiday season. My phone lights up with new text messages with things like "Its a blessing to know you" or "My life would not be as great without you." Its not a negative thing to read these messages, but I'm not heavy on the holidays; they are more for children than anyone else.
I always ask myself, "why wait until a holiday or special occasion to tell someone how special they are?" It would be much more meaningful if it was done spontaneously. Saying such kind and sentimental things are fine, but to me they are so trite. Even though most people are just being kind when they say such things, for me these comments have a tint of insincerity attached to them. I don't believe that most people intend to be that way. They are simply caught up in the holiday spirit. Its the same as a customer service person saying "have a nice day!" after you checkout. You know its just routine.
But I don't hate the holidays. I guess I'm really just ambivalent anout them. On the positive side, you get to see old friends and family that you haven't seen in years. On the annoying side, you receive all those annoying, sentimental text messages. But its better than not receiving any at all.

J.G.

Conversation

There is nothing like a good conversation. The more controversial, the better. Topics that are boring, like the weather and what happened on some soap opera, feels like a shot to the liver with a ball-pin hammer. But if a conversation is started about favorite sexual positions or a story thats deeply personal and exciting, can keep my attention for hours.

Having quality conversations is a personal goal of mine. I want to know that a person is really interested in what im saying. When I talk with people I will ask myself, " am I boring this person?" If the answer is yes, then I will change the subject, or end the conversation.

Some of the best conversations are with unconventional people. They have views that make you think, whether you agree with them or not. People that choose not to associate with the outcasts of society may be doing themselves an injustice. Some of my most profound and thought-provoking ideas have come from people others may avoid. After all, being intelligent is about knowing a little about a lot of things.

Great conversation is an art. Like a painter knows which strokes to make to create his masterpiece, a conversationalist knows what words to use to stimulate interest in others. Its nearly orgasmic to experience. Great men, such as Thomas Jefferson, have been lauded for their conversational skills. He was celebrated for his wide-ranging and entertaining conversations with friends and acquintances. People that can stimulate the mind with words are always a commodity.

Most people want to drown you with pedestrian ideas. They don't seem to know, or care, if you want to hear such nonsense. In such instances, I feign interest. I smile and nod. Aahh...conversation truly is a lost art.

J.G.

Life

It is not easy to have a positive outlook on life. Everywhere you go there is negativity polluting your mind. This is just a fact of life, I guess. But I try, even though it feels like trying just isnt good enough. I can laugh at how ignorant the world is. But it would laugh right back at me. The best that I can do is block it all out. Block out all the gossip, all the forces that try and bring me down everyday. Its as though by living, you are constantly at war. Just making it home in one piece is a victory.

Lately, I have had trouble being friendly to people. I feel like most people are a waste of time, a waste of breath to talk to. There is such internal conflict in my soul, in my mind, and in my heart. I feel like im losing it sometimes, but at the same time I feel completely under control. A lot of times I just want solitude from the rigors of daily life. Thats were long hours of sleep come in to play. Its a must.

I need peace of mind. No worries. No needs. Only perfection.

J.G.

Crimson Truth

You ever wanted something but had no idea how to get it? I wanted to sleep with a lot of attractive girls in high school, but I found myself alone on most weekends. I was ignored by all those attractive girls. "Wants" change as time passes. But the biggest difference between high school and the present is that I know how to get what I want. But sometimes I feel hatred for those people that ignored me. To this day I absolutely hate it when I get ignored. Sounds so juvenile, I know. But its reality. Hatred only holds you back. It weighs you down, like carrying a bag full of bricks. Its always your choice. All you need to do is put the bag down.

So I do my best to focus on what I really want: social power. Power in all its many shapes and forms. Now, I dont wanna sound like a dictator or a nut job. I like to tell the truth, the crimson truth. Besides, what else is there? Why work, if not for the acquisition of power? I love people, but I wont beg for anything.

I must excel in life. Living by the dictates of another is not living at all, not at all. I've discovered that one must live for a cause, or for him or herself. Because in the end we are all alone in this world. Alone, but we need not be lonely. I love to love and to be loved by my friends. Having friends makes life richer. Power should not be seen as evil. Its not good nor evil. Its human. I inwardly laugh at moralists. I only outwardly agree, and nobody knows the difference.

I am god and the devil. I love and I hate. I bless you and I curse you. Better than the good guy. I dont pretend to be flawless. More than a villian; you know there is goodness...somewhere inside. I am...authentically...human.

And what more can anyone ask for?

J.G.

Know Thyself

As strong as I know I am, I also know that I have alot of weak points. I've found that these weak points are fairly easy to correct. Its because they are formed by habits. And they can be corrected simply by changing those habits. The cliche "know thyself" comes to mind when it comes to changing bad habits and making positive self-improvements. When you know your own tastes, your own strengths and weaknesses, it is fairly simple to correct them (depending on what they are, of course). I want to be the very best that I can be. I hate mediocrity. So, I always strive to find out what I can do better, what area's I can improve on, and how I am perceived by others.

This is probably the most important part of success in any area of life. Some people call it being real. Some people call it "doing you." Others say its just being yourself. But, all this comes down to knowing yourself. And then being your best self. Its hard to be yourself if you dont have adequate self-knowledge. This can be difficult because as humans we are constantly changing. But once you understand that change is necessary and normal growth can occur.

J.G.

Power: inside and out

For me, there is nothing better than power of some sort. I have always envied those with significant power over me. That power can be in the form of social, sexual, politcal, or even physical. I strive to be like the powerful people I see. Not so much as in their personalities, but the qualities that seperate them from the average person.
Women have sexual power over the average man. If you take away a woman's vagina, she is powerless (crude, but true). Politicians have the power to change our way of life; we unanimously grant them that position of power. Popular people have the power of influence; how many times has Angelina Jolie inspired you ladies to hit the gym?
Most of this is obvious to many Americans. But I think it is mostly overlooked. Most people work their 9 to 5's, come home, watch T.V., and go to sleep to repeat the same boring routine. They dont think about how they are virtually powerless. Not because of a lack of freedom. Although our country is far from perfect, we enjoy more freedom than any citizens of another country. It is because of a lack of mental power.
You dont need to have a high-status job or a few million to be powerful. Power is a lot of things. Its different for all of us. But the most basic form of power is having control over your own life. That means actively seeking out things that will better you and your family. That means not accepting just anything that life, and other people, hand you. Power is pushing through pain and adversity with equanimity. Power is being an individual. And there are fewer true individuals in our world than you think.

J.G.